No, I'm telling you man This is JB! I scream at the semi-hot waitress.
She sighs ridiculously long to indicate just how bored and annoyed she is to be standing here having this argument.
-Well, no offence, but I asked for the Chivas Regal 25, you also charged me for the Chivas Regal 25, and then you serve me JB.
- What's the difference. She asks with sleepy eyes.
- The difference!?...The difference she asks! Oh no! I laugh in complete disbelieve looking for sympathy and understanding from the couple sitting at the table across from me. I fail to receive any.
I suddenly start sweating and feel some sort of panic attack creeping up but manage to remain calm. I take a moment to prepare my explanation.
- The difference is that Chivas Regal 25 YO Scotch has distinct notes of apricot and peach throughout, a warm, fruity aroma and a nutty, chocolate and orange palate. It is the ultimate in smooth and balanced Scotch with astonishingly rounded finish. In other words: The most awesome drink you will ever have - A masterpiece! A MASTERPIECE! I repeat to her good willed, hoping she will catch on to my positive energy.
The waitress says nothing, removes the faulty drink and turns around, back to the bar. From a mirror across the room I can see her rolling her eyes and mouthing- 'Chinga tu madre, cabron'.
Jesus, what a bitch huh? I say with a smile to the couple at the table across from me.
Once again they don't respond.
Fucking zombies... I mumble.
I check my phone and like usual there are no messages. I can tell from the corner of my eye someone is watching me so I pretend to open a none existing message and start reading intensely whilst nodding 'Yes' once a while. I put my phone back down on the table and light a cigarette. There is nothing more special than lighting up a cigarette in anticipation of a soon to arrive Chivas Regal 25.
Since I'm waiting for my drink to come back from the bar in the correct form, I may as well describe my surroundings. I'm sitting at a lounge bar called 'Bogards' by the beach in Fuengirola, I'm sitting here because I have set up a date with a Finnish girl.
Like usual I have arrived an hour early to check out the scene and mentally prepare for the encounter. It's 4 p.m. and the idea that I have an hour left before my date arrives gives me a surprisingly safe feeling. I met this girl a week ago, during a night out. The only minor problem with her is that she is only six-teen years old. Which some people may frown upon considering I'm twenty-three.
A different waitress brings my new drink, correct this time. I smile gratefully and say- Thanks, that other waitress tried to serve me JB instead of Chivas Regal, can you believe that! JB! She could learn a thing or two from you, she has absolutely no clue.
- Ye, that was me. She says.
I look at her properly this time, the girl was right, she was the same waitress as before.
Right, never mind. My mistake. I wave her away.
- Wow, that's pretty embarassing. I laugh at the couple sitting across from me.
Once again, no response. I tilt my head closer to them and squint my eyes to get a better look. My god, they're not even real people! They're some kind of plastic fucking decoration dolls!
Slightly confused, I take a sip from my drink. I get a shiver all the way throughout my spine, it's that good.
I observe the street, people walking by going around their daily business. An over weight man strolls by with an enormous tattoo of an English Breakfast on his back. I concentrate and exercise extreme will-power not to gag, the bacon was drawn in such an unappetizing way. Incredible.
On the street three black guys are standing besides an array of fake goods (purses, CD's, DVD's, sun glasses, bags, etc.) I look over because it's hard not to since one of them is wearing baggy bright orange pants and (now I have to be careful) he's eating a banana with the skin still on. (Many people will start labelling me as 'racist' now, I can just feel it You use 'black guy' and 'banana' in one sentence and you're considered racist. But that's simply the way it was. The black guy was devouring a banana, sue me. Right next to him there was a stereo system most people in the 80's would have considered old fashioned, it was strangling some sub-Saharan tune featuring a set of ngoma drums, slit gongs, rattles, double bells and the vocals of what seemed to be a monkey in distress.
A few minutes go by as I try and block my ears from this infernal noise when suddenly I spot the black guy looking straight at me. He checks his surroundings quickly and moves my way, holding his pants up to avoid them slipping even lower than his knees.
Oh, fuck me... I panic, this guy is going to machete me in broad daylight! I contemplate running away and screaming for help but instead play it cool and take a sip from the Chivas Regal 25.
I'm staring at the table, just don't make any eye contact I think to myself.
He comes right up to me and whispers- Hey, Charlie How are u doin my friend? Want some good shit, ye? Best shit on The Coast and best price just for you Charlie.
I mutter up some courage and look up at him, he has taken out a new banana from his back pocket and eats half of it with one bite.
- You want to see the shit my friend, I give you a taste for free.
- I'm Okay I reply.
He ignores what I said, checks the area once again to make sure it's clear and puts half his hand into his mouth. It comes back out of his mouth and reveals a large chunk of banana.
- a piece of banana? I ask, confused.
- Hold on my friend. He says, a little embarrassed.
Once again nearly the entire hand disappears in his mouth and now he reveals a small satchel, slightly stained with blood.
- Wow, that's insanely fucked upI say. In my head I'm wishing I chose another place to sit or something, this really isn't so fun.
I try to explain to this man that I'm not interested but he's not really responding and instead just kinda waiting for me to take out some money and buy his cocaine.
Suddenly he becomes distracted and a few seconds later I can see his eyes have locked in on a young beautiful woman. She walks by us and he suddenly tells her- Big Boob, big boob very nice! He lets his tongue drop out of his mouth and flaps it up and down like a lizard- 'Flapflapflap!'.
- Oh Jesus... I nearly sink through the floor of pure shame, if there's one thing I can't take and simply will not tolerate it's disgusting little things like that. I stand up, take my stuff and move to another table whilst nodding 'No' to myself.
A little while later, as I'm enjoying the last drops of my god-like drink someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around and unfortunately the black guy is standing there again.
I would like to apologize man. He starts, suddenly I notice he has lost the weird accent and he's now talking in a perfect English one.
I didn't mean to force the drugs on you or anything, I don't even want to sell you this, it's awful stuff. I'm only doing this to pay for my studies. I'm finishing my Doctorate in engineering this year.
Why has your accent changed? I ask.
White boys are more likely to buy drugs from me if I appear to have held on to my roots, otherwise they feel threatened He explains, whilst taking a seat at my table. Gosh, I'm starving, I hear they serve a fine poached halibut with vegetables here. He places the order with the bitchy waitress and continues - In Senegal it was always the same: Banana, banana and more banana. I remember when I was a young boy aged six I told my mother Mother, I said, I've had just about enough of these bananas! Banana puree, roasted banana, banana in coconut milk, grilled, cooked, chopped. Up to three times a day man, I had banana coming out of my ears. Mother, I said, this banana is coming out of my ears right about now!
As this guy continued talking about different banana recipes an old couple walked by and I could hear the man say- I'm telling you Jozephine, one of these days I will kill you, I'm not even fucking kidding. As I waited for the woman to respond the waitress placed the poached halibut in front of N'goko. (That just so happened to be his name.)
N'goko started deboning the fish with surgical precision and ease and in a few minutes time he had eaten the entire dish. He licked his fingers and said- You simply can't put a price on a fresh halibut, I can eat it all day long, halibut, halibut and once again halibut.
A few skater kids were now standing near the bar and looking to make eye contact with N'goko, most likely in need for his services.
Work is calling now. He announced. -Great talk, great food, good times. We said our goodbyes and as he stood up, he grabbed a brand new banana from his back pocket and hopped down to the needy customers.
A police car had mean whilst parked near by and two cops walked over to one of the African boys who was eating a watermelon. One of the cops started a conversation about the weather whilst the other police man browsed the DVD's. He ended up purchasing Jungla de Cristal (more commonly known as Die Hard), Bad Boys II, and Hostel whilst announcing he loved 'that torture shit'.
As I stared at my now empty drink, my date appeared around the corner. She looked over at me and watched as I let my tongue flap out my mouth and went 'FlapFlapFlap' with it. She smiled, sat herself down and said: Hey Alex!
Hello there you. I reply and I can't quite decide if I should move in for a hug, peck or kiss. The result is something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I kind of semi grab her, nearly head butting her face whilst my lips miss hers and hit her in the ear instead.
What? I say, answering her questioning look.
This is how I happen to greet people.
She seems momentarily dazzled by my explanation but then relaxes.
There's a short silence which I put to good use and light up a fresh cigarette, best to keep those hands busy. I decide to open the conversation being careful to stay away from cliches such as- 'So, how was your day?' Etc. Instead I explain to her that if we want to buy aids riddled, cheap yet great cocaine from N'goko in the orange pants right there, we are good to go. I point at N'goko by the street who answers my gesture by winking at me knowingly and sticking up his thumb.
That guy is fucking mental I start, You should have seen, he was sitting here before you arrived, talking about his fucking poached halibut for close to 45 minutes.
The girl tries to get a word in but before she has the chance I rattle on Halibut! Can you believe that? A cocaine dealer who's obsessed with poached halibut! My God! So anyway, are you always this silent? Let's go play some pool! I haven't played for ages but I was once considered quite a phenomenal player. I grab her hand before the girl can respond and drag her to the table. You know how this game works right? I'm not a very good teacher, so if you don't know the rules there's not much I can help you with.
She assures me she knows the rules of the game and we begin. She takes the first shot and ramms the black '8' ball in the pocket whilst unleashing a deafening Hooray! As she jumps into the air and does a little dance. I'm left absolutely speechless and wonder if I should attempt to explain she kinda just lost the game.
Great shot. I say, looking around to check if anyone saw what had just taken place. No one, typical... Not much else happens throughout the rest of the game (which I had already won 1 minute into it.) besides the fact that when I was trying to put my final ball that bitch of a waitress 'accidentally' walked into me, forcing me to miss my shot entirely. I nearly put her down permanently, with a stare so intense it's capable of bringing a full grown stallion to it's knees.
We both move back to the couch and order another drink, I have a Red Bull and she has a water.
The game of pool has succeeded at breaking the ice and the conversations are starting to flow a lot easier compared to the beginning.
Suddenly I wake up, WHAT!? Where the FUCK am I!? I scream hysterically. The girls' instinct immediately takes over and she covers her face with her hands and screams- No! Please, don't kill me! She had turned herself into a little ball for maximum protection.
My heart is pounding like a Thunderdome song. What the fucking hell happened!? I ask, whilst my eyes scan the room so fast it's making me even dizzier than I already am.
- I was telling you about my family and where I grew up and suddenly you were asleep Alex. She starts crying a little. I didn't know what to do Alex, so I just waited here next to you for 20 minutes or so. She had to stop a moment as she tried to get her breath back and find the courage to explain more. You seemed to have some kind of.. nightmare because you were mumbling all these crazy things about an English breakfast with bananas and herds of wild apes devouring them. I didn't know how to help so I tried to shake you around a little to see if I could wake you up... and then... she started weeping again. - I'm so sorry, forgive me!
There, there. I say soothingly, as I stroke her back - It could have happened to the best of us, don't worry about it.
We cuddle a little and move on to the beach where we sit in the sand, a few dozen meters away from the actual water, which I don't trust for even one second. The sea can't be underestimated. I explain. You don't know what lives in there, you know? I'm telling you, when I was younger my brother once pushed me into a pond whilst we were fishing, I remember how they circled me... smiling, plotting... I blacked out from fear but I was told horrible, unspeakable events took place that day which are best forgotten... forever.
She smiles amused. Until she meets my deep blank stare suggesting I'm not joking around and she instantly corrects her expression to an understanding, nurturing face.
There, there. she says soothingly, as she strokes my back - It could have happened to the best of us, don't worry about it.
We are interrupted by a man shrieking at the top of his voice, completely out of breath sprinting our way. He falls down in front of our feet trying to get some air back into his lungs. BILL! He whimpers, You never paid your bill... He's rolling in the sand trying to survive this ordeal. The heat! He cries. Water, I need water!
What an awkward scene. I throw a 100 bill in his face and we leave the man to his fate. Not 5 seconds later one of the black guys (not the one with the watermelon and not N'goko, but the other one.) who was currently eating some fried chicken had witnessed this entire ordeal and casually walked up to the dying man, picked the bill off his face and skipped away back to his buddies.
An hour later we arrive at the girls' house, it was time to say goodbye and suddenly I become a nervous wreck. I'm drumming away on my steering wheel whilst talking her through the plot lines of Saw 1 to Saw 5. I eventually notice the time and realize we've been sitting in the car for close to two hours. Jesus, doesn't this girl ever shut up I wonder. I move in for a goodbye kiss which turns into a full blown French kiss and it's really nice. It feels like I'm spinning and like we're actually moving backwards in the car. When I finally open my eyes I notice that we are in fact moving backwards, at about 60km/hour down a hill. Woops! I forgot to keep the brakes pressed in! I slam them as hard as I can whilst this girl is going absolutely ape shit next to me. Screeching tires sound like wild animals and the car eventually comes to a halt about half a meter from a cliff.
So, this was great, we should do it again sometime. I try and minimize the near death situation. "Yes, we certainly should" She says, smiling.
She leaves the car and disappears in the night. I sit in my car and light up a cigarette, take out a notebook and write all of this down, just in case I'll ever forget- This Date.
Entry I - This Date : [link]
Entry II - Karaoke Bar : [link]
Entry III - The Gym :[link]
Street Musician: [link]
Olga Kurylenko Portrait: [link]
Witching Hour: [link]